Thursday, December 31, 2009

Resolution Schmesolution

Many many moons ago, when I was still a wacky and ignorantly insightful youth. When I was struggling to find a place in the bustling, cliquey hierarchy of high school, I choose to be the outcast. Not to the extreme of course, but I took pride in being different from everyone else. I didn't want to "fit in". I didn't want to be the statistical average. I was my own person and I was comfortable there. I was "unique".

Once, before the holiday break, we had a teacher ask "what is your New Years resolution going to be?" And just to be different I answered that my resolution would be to never make another New Years resolution. And so far I have managed to stick to it LMAO

Now this is where the ignorantly insightful comes in. Just within the past year I read something that I found inspiring and spot on to what I believed to be true in my heart. And that amazing tidbit was "why wait?" 

Think about what most people make as their resolution; to loose weight, to quit smoking/drinking, to spend less, to give more. These are all life style changes, and as humans we are creatures of habit. Changing your life is hard to do. And there is absolutely nothing that requires it to be New Years in order to be done. And the problem with saying that you are going to start something on a particular day sets you up for disappointment because when you find yourself falling back into your old habits, you feel as though you have failed and then you say "oh well maybe next year".  My grandma was famous for saying "I am going to start my diet on Monday" Every time we saw her she said the same thing. Once my mom said to her "which Monday mom?" Maybe what she should have said to her is "why Monday mom?" 

So this year if you find yourself less than successful in your resolution endeavors, don't quit and don't wait for a new year or week to start over. Try again tomorrow and take baby steps. Remember ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DO OVER"

Good luck and Happy New Year 

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I need a life

It's not even 8am and I am beyond bored. I am wondering what in the world I am going to do today. There are definitely things around the house that I could do and I probably will. I feel like I ever use my brain for anything and it is so boring. What in the world can I do today to stimulate my brain. Hmmmm. I just don't know. I think I need some things to think about so my friends I beseech you. Give me some ideas. Maybe some things to blog about. I like writing in my blog. It forces me to think and I get to sort out my thoughts in the process. So please make some suggestions for me. Just no politics please. I don't understand them and I really don't want to. :)

Monday, December 28, 2009

Why is there no way to telescope down a path you are thinking about taking? All I want to know is what I should be when I grow up. I realize that I am nearly thirty years old and by definition "grown up" However. I don't feel grown up. At the moment I feel used up and under stimulated. I want to go back to school. I want to be in a classroom with grownups. I want to learn things, I want to think about something other than laundry, dishes, and poopy butts. The question is what do I go to school for? I am really leaning toward teaching elementary school kids. I like the idea, but I don't know. I remember having teachers that seemed so unhappy with life (I didn't know it then of course but looking back) and lets face it I don't need any help in the depressing department. So how do I know? How can I be sure that I am investing time and money into a future that I am actually going to enjoy? I honestly believe that everyone should have a career that they love. How do I know if I will love teaching? I am a little embarrassed to admit how much and how many times we have invested in my future. I don't want this to be just one more time we waste copious amounts of money for a job that I am not going to do. I wish there was a way to stand before a path you are thinking of taking and peek down the road to see what it is like. I am really starting to feel like a flake of all trades master of none. 

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

When I grow up I wanna be famous.

buuuut that's not going to happen, so it's time for plan B. Unfortunately I never can up with a plan B. I never really came up with a plan A. I was always the girl that just wanted to get married and have babies. How very 1950's of me right. Well Mission accomplished, now I want a career too. How fickle is woman. I don't want just any job. I want an awesome job. A job that I am made for. A job that utilizes my unique talents. And there in-lies the first problem. What is my talent? It certainly isn't anything obvious. Not to me anyway. I can't sing or dance. I have minimal artistic ability. And I can't contort myself into a small box so the circus is out. Honestly the only thing that I can think of that I am good at is being funny. Stand up comedy doesn't really seem that appealing to me, so what does that leave? Hmmm. The other thing is I am not really passionate about anything. I mean I have the normal momma bear, don't mess with my kids thing goin' on, but I don't think people get paid for that. I have thought of a few things but I don't really know if any of them are right for me.

There is photography of course but at this point I don't really think I am any good. I am taking the correspondence course and I can see if that helps me any. I have though about taking a photography class at a school, but what if I am really no good? Do I really want to pour a bunch more money into something that isn't going to pan out.

Maybe an elementary school teacher. I know that I learned best from the teachers that were funny. But do I really want to deal with that many kids? And isn't part of the reason I want a career is to get away from my kids? (I love 'em I really do, but I'm not a saint. I need a break.) Do I really want to deal with kids all day? Is that really a break?

I have it on very good authority that shrinks get into the business because they are crazy. Well I have that going for me. I definitely have my issues, not to mention a son with Asperger's syndrome. Maybe I could be a head doctor or maybe a child psychiatrist. That definitely sounds interesting and at this point it seems to be the idea with the least amount of buts. This is the only one. This is a very professional field. I don't know if I am a "professional" type person. I like to be free and easy. Is being silly and quick with the one liners considered professional or frowned upon?

Why isn't there a test to tell you what kind of job is right for you. That would be super duper right now.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Where does creativity come from?

Some one please tell me. I need to hunt some down. I love crafty things but everything I do is a pattern that some other amazingly creative person created. I feel like I used to be creative but not any more. Yesterday I went for a walk around the block with Riley and he had the lights off the top of one of his police cars (They are magnetized so he can pop them on and off the car). The lights flash when you push a button and he would stop when he saw a house with pretty Christmas lights or a camper in someones driveway and he would put the light up to his eyes and push the button and say "I'm takin' a picture of the Christmas lights" or "look at that reindeer, I have to take a picture" I thought it was so funny and an amazing use of his imagination. Now I am in a photography class and I am feeling so generic. I feel like there is absolutely nothing amazing about my pictures. How do I learn to see something amazing in things that aren't. Those are the pictures I love. The ones of a pile of mushrooms at the grocery store, that even though it is just mushrooms is an amazing picture. Turning mundane things into art has always amazed me. So how do I learn to stop taking these things for granted and actually see them? I don't know. How do I start coming up with ideas that nobody else has ever had? I don't know. I feel blocked. Creatively constipated if you will. I know that the more you exercise creativity the stronger it gets, but how do you exercise it when you can't even figure out how to move it?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

I can fix this

As you may have guessed, there are parts of my life that I am unhappy about. My house is a mess, my son tests my patience/sanity every day all day, I am chubbier that I have ever been in my life, and I am constantly cranky, and I feel like a slave to my house and kids. Who am I? Where did I go? Where am I going? It feels to me sometimes that I am swimming in a river against the current. I paddle and I kick the same way every day and I am not making any progress. If anything I am floating down stream. It's exhausting. . .I am exhausted. But I can't quit. These are all things I can't just give up on. My kids need me, my house needs me and I need my health and maybe to feel pretty again. I can't let my life consume me. I didn't ever want to be this way. I drive behind the minivan with the plate frame that says Frannie's mom or Danny's wife and I think to myself "god who are these people, don't they have any identity other than wife and mother?" As I sit here thinking about my life (which I have been trying to avoid doing) I realize I am that person, the only difference is that I refuse to "own" it. I love my husband and I am proud of my kids but I am my own person. In high school I was fun and strange and wacky. I was voted most unique in my AFJROTC class 2 years in a row and when my athletic younger brother came to high school and was immediately more popular than me I was furious when people started addressing me as Aaron's sister.

I know that these are things I can control and I can fix. But when I look up from the bottom of this whole I am in, t seems like a loooooooong way up. I know that I can't jump out, I am going to have to climb. . . . . .And it is going to be hard. I know that there is help out there. and are two websites that have, at times, made a huge impact in my life. I mean a website that makes me want to exercise and drink nothing but water, and another that makes cleaning less of a chore and more of something that will make you feel good everyday. . . . .I mean that must be sent straight from heaven. But complacency is a mighty foe of mine and he always tends to win out. Even when I am excited about something.

Diligent baby steps are key. Even when I think or even know that the life change I make is a habit I have to stay DILIGENT. I can't get too excited to take that next baby step either because it would seem that I am easily overwhelmed or at time (ok most of the time) I shift my focus to the new project and let the last project fade into the past. So what should my first steps be.

I think I am going to work on drinking more water everyday (which may sound weird but if you read up on it, it is like a miracle straight from the tap) and Maybe going for a walk around the block with the kids every day. So what will I accomplish with these two tasks. Well that water will make it easier to loose weight, slim down the bloat, make my skin glow and maybe help me to start feelong good about myself again. The walk with the kids holds a lot of potential. Just walking around the block pulling the kids in a wagon is quite a workout for me right now. So I will be burning calories, getting out of the house (weather permitting) and that always make me feel better, and spending some quality time with the kids. With out the tv or computers or phones. Just us. I could use some suggestions for rainy days though. It will need to be something free and easy. Something I can't easily make an excuse to not do. Hmmmmmmm Anybody have some suggestions

Friday, December 11, 2009

If you can't blog anything nice, don't blog at all. . . . . . .well screw that.

So it has been several months since I have even logged onto the blogger. I don't know why, I guess I just didn't have the bug to write. Lately however, my life has been hard and stressful and really dragging me down. Granted I am not facing the kind of hardships and stress some people are and I should be thankful for that. I am a lucky woman with a good life. I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful kids, I am healthy, and I wouldn't trade my life for anything. But I can occasionally throw myself a pity party can't I?!?!?!?!?. In the last year My husband has gone back to a boat, first he went out to sea with a boat that wasn't his to "help out" and then very shortly after he got back from that trip he went out again with his boat. About a month after he came home he found out that he made Chief, which is great, but the next 10 weeks were consumed with a type of training that ate up Cory's time like it was a big bowl of movie theater butter popcorn. A couple of weeks after Cory finished chief training I found out that I was pregnant, and a couple of weeks after that I lost the baby. Two weeks later Cory was gone again. Off to Guam and into a refit that wouldn't quit. He came home about a month ago and is leaving at the end of the month. This year has been full of constant change and I think that is very hard for me. I haven't had a chance to adjust to anything and neither has Riley. Maybe that is why he is so hard for me to deal with. I look back on old blogs about how much I was enjoying him, and as awful as this sounds, I can't say that right now. He is a constant source of anger frustration stress and guilt. I feel like I am always yelling at him. He is always into something, doing things he knows he shouldn't and now he is being sneaky when he does things he knows he shouldn't. He whines and crys about everything which is a patience annihilator for me. I am learning what it means to love your children differently. I feel like I am failing as a parent and forgetting who I am. I feel so needy lately. I don't want to be needy. I don't want to feel like I need help or that I can't handle my life alone. Why is this so hard? I have everything I have ever wanted and I still feel like poop.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My personal hell

I know this is going to sound awful but I need to vent and what better place to do that than a blog. Cory left last friday and I am doing ok I have delt with Rileys shall we say adventures with a little more humor and less stress. I am trying to have patience and less anger. I have gotten up from nap time to find the dog locked in his room and him outside in the car wearing only a shirt and a diaper. I didn't freak when he came out of his room with wet hair and when I asked him what happened he brought me a bowl with pee in it and said "went potty". I even managed a calming breath when he painted his chest and some of his hair black with my mascara, but now it is tuesday and I am supposed to have the morning off. He is supposed to climb on the bus and out of my hair for a few hours and give me a quiet morning to get things accomplished while he is at school. But this morning I woke to anice dusting of snow on the ground. And when I say dusting I mean I can still see not just the grass but the ground and what do you know. . .school is canceled. Why? There has been more snow than this on the ground before and they have still had school. ARG Looks like another day of "stop, get down, don't, leave it, don't touch, no scissors, get out of the bathroom, leave my stuff alone, and get off the table" and hours and hours of Wow wow wubbzy

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