Friday, December 11, 2009

If you can't blog anything nice, don't blog at all. . . . . . .well screw that.

So it has been several months since I have even logged onto the blogger. I don't know why, I guess I just didn't have the bug to write. Lately however, my life has been hard and stressful and really dragging me down. Granted I am not facing the kind of hardships and stress some people are and I should be thankful for that. I am a lucky woman with a good life. I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful kids, I am healthy, and I wouldn't trade my life for anything. But I can occasionally throw myself a pity party can't I?!?!?!?!?. In the last year My husband has gone back to a boat, first he went out to sea with a boat that wasn't his to "help out" and then very shortly after he got back from that trip he went out again with his boat. About a month after he came home he found out that he made Chief, which is great, but the next 10 weeks were consumed with a type of training that ate up Cory's time like it was a big bowl of movie theater butter popcorn. A couple of weeks after Cory finished chief training I found out that I was pregnant, and a couple of weeks after that I lost the baby. Two weeks later Cory was gone again. Off to Guam and into a refit that wouldn't quit. He came home about a month ago and is leaving at the end of the month. This year has been full of constant change and I think that is very hard for me. I haven't had a chance to adjust to anything and neither has Riley. Maybe that is why he is so hard for me to deal with. I look back on old blogs about how much I was enjoying him, and as awful as this sounds, I can't say that right now. He is a constant source of anger frustration stress and guilt. I feel like I am always yelling at him. He is always into something, doing things he knows he shouldn't and now he is being sneaky when he does things he knows he shouldn't. He whines and crys about everything which is a patience annihilator for me. I am learning what it means to love your children differently. I feel like I am failing as a parent and forgetting who I am. I feel so needy lately. I don't want to be needy. I don't want to feel like I need help or that I can't handle my life alone. Why is this so hard? I have everything I have ever wanted and I still feel like poop.

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